What brought about this post? Well, I was going through my ring tones. I saw such songs as Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys and Sex on the Beach by the Venga Boys.
I came to a realization.
The ideas that these songs are representative of are beyond my grasp.
Why did I drop out of college?
It wasn’t because of bad grades. Technically, I could have stayed in college. I brought my grades to the GPA I needed to stay in college and the grants I had were almost entirely gpa IHdependant.
I literally could have been graduating with a bachelor’s degree RIGHT now if I chose to.
So why am I stuck with no money in an apartment that I am in with friends instead of having one of my own? Because I wanted to mature.
My quest to maturity did not involve college. I loved having fun with my roommate in college, I had some damn good times with Brandon in college, and I realized I was completely in “love” with my roommate’s friend Grace.
The big deciding point was, though, that none of it was REAL. All of my feelings for all of these people were based on a level of intellect and maturity that I knew were not fully developed. Therefore, I went with what I thought was the best decision. Now, whether it was or not, I’ll never know. I’d like to know Joe better. He was one of the coolest people I ever knew. I wish I knew Brandon better. I know he and I would have had so much fun in my current state of mind. I especially wish I knew Grace better. I never had the balls to talk to her in person, now I will never even have the chance. She was always my greatest regret. I knew that I would like her. That I would even get along with her enough to have more than a month-long relationship for a change. However, nothing ever happened with any of these people.
Now, I have always lived my life with the idea that if I never have any regrets, I will be happy. Of course there will be disappointments, but I honestly believe it is possible to live without actual regrets. Boy was I wrong. I have very few regrets, but my decisions for college are some of them. I will never have college back, I will never even get the opportunity because my class is graduating now. I will always REGRET my decisions.
What have I been left with? I am struggling to survive. I am constantly changing jobs in order to stay on top of things. I am about to go to ONLINE college. ONLINE!!! Why? Because it’s the only thing that teaches what I need to advance in my current (NOT desired) career, while allowing me the time to WORK.
So, back to what brought me to these thoughts. My ring tones. I realized that most of them were based on partying, getting down, having a good time. I realized that none of that is for me anymore. I cannot party the way I want to. I have an insane inability to get down. My idea of having fun is sitting at home watching whatever my roommates are watching.
I have missed an important part of my life in order to mature. What happened? Did I mature? I sure did, but at what cost? My maturity came to me because of a sacrifice of my childhood. Of my learning. Of my (potential) love life.
I am positive that I will break through this shtick in my life. I am sure I will experience some of this. I will, however, never gain my childhood back. I will never experience the possibility of companionship from someone who I haven’t seen a million times through work. None of that will ever be mine. Why? Because I decided to choose maturity. What have I gained from that choice? I am drunk at 5:30 pm. I have to go to work at 11pm. I will be up until 3pm the next day (at work). I am busy, drunk, and I need to piss. This is not what I imagined maturity to be.